and then...

I can go on and on about how hard writing this has been for me, but I think even a mention of that would sound unspeakably lame. This has to be the hardest thing I could ever write. Hence I am just gonna stop and put the words across.

Welcome to a place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Where packets of cigarettes lie all around me, reminding me of the times where the heart ached and the thoughts cracked. 

The older I get, the clearer it becomes as to how the dots which I left behind could never connect. Things have really changed a lot around me. What always seemed right has suddenly taken a backseat in life and is enjoying a drink everyday. All my life I lived with a belief that the flip side is deformed and lame, only to realize that the joke was on me. Its the part where I have to live and humiliate myself every other day.

Have been dazed and confused for so long. But I still cruise along, doing my thing, acting the fool. I think I am still a child in a man’s body who cares for nothing and everything at the same time.

But, something has to change and a lot has to estrange. It is already dark, too dark to see.

Nirvana for me

When I lose my mind, I go back to touching my feelings looking for bliss, delight and peace; all at the same time. I try listening to myself, picturing my own end. It’s like finding me at the corner of the wrong turn, smoking the last cigarette all alone, waiting for the email that never came, and the phone that never rang.

From there I step down the memory lane, where the most beautiful eyes cared for me, my lord had rest and peace for me. Where life was my own bitch and days passed roaming around with my own personalized form of drug. My words decepted her, my songs incepted her, while we watched the day getting darker and the shades getting lighter.

Then I walk towards the year that changed my life, the year when I met her, 2005, it was a good year. No internet, cell phones, texting, twitting, twatting, chatting and I was yet to fuck up the best thing that ever happened to me. Since then "it was all about her".

I walk further down the haunted road not taken, in the haste where I feel like a waste. The road that was regressing and unsavory. But hey, love was never my métier and I was still learning. Messed it up to an extent where the prodigal could never be accepted back. All I could do was serve my own self with a bottle of beer, tune in the channel called life, flash forward my heart breaks and watch my own self again, child in the body of a man, tearing down to pieces.

Coming back to the real world, which you, me and everyone else has to survive in, Nirvana for me would be the day when it would all start with her face in front of my eyes, waking up in her arms and resting in peace forever.

Without you

Opened my eyes

The day has started

And I lie in this bed

To figure out how to live when the feelings are dead

Saw you last night in the dreams

You don't have a hint it seems

You looked beauteous as always

Flashing the glimpse of the old days

Went back to the memory lane

Where the most beautiful eyes cared for me

My lord had rest and peace for me

Remember running the fingers through your hair

Sleeping in your arms without a care

Its a cold and frosty morning

And I see my world drowning

The day is passing by

And I am still trying to get you off my mind

Burning the shadows in my head

Revoking the feelings that aren't dead

You love someone just once in a lifetime

And then you love yourself and hence you love someone else

People come and go

But that first love will never flow

My world has been ripped apart

My soul doesn't know how to depart

Don't know what to do with this heart

Who doesn't know how to beat when its ripped apart

Some things in life are never said

Something in life can never be read

Your love will always shine in me

No matter whether I am dead or alive

Just caught in life's trap

Even driving whole night did not help

No one can tell me where to hide

No one can tell me where to fly

Where are you when I need you the most

Where are you you when everything is lost

When you say I made mistakes, just try to understand

I am no god, just another man

Something Relevant

It was a short story

We made love in the corrie

Love was in the air

Everything we did was fair

And then came the day

That took you so far away

It took away our dreams

And all around were screams

You believe that you hardly know me now

I believe you should have somehow

I feel so stupid watching it come and go

And it is noteworthy how we both know

Lets run back to the day

And start all over again

As the memories remain

Like a portrait of all the pain

Like a dump of all the good

And a pit of all the bad

Was wondering where it all went wrong

And that's when I wrote this song

The song to make you feel all better

Remember the past and jot the letter

I love you more than what this song can say

Yes I love you more than yesterday

And I want you to come

As a lot of things are still undone

It is the only thing I hope

Cz I know I can't cope

This soul may die and fly

But your love will always be alive

For you this heart will beat always

And will try to find different ways

To bring you back and retrace the track

To hold you tight and stare the bright

It's a still night

The eyes are craving for your sight

And I Wanna hold you tight

Just to feel everything is alright

The Unsaid - III

Its a beautiful lonely night

The stars are shining so bright

The faith is there I plight

But I know nothing can make things right

Was caught in the middle of a race called life

And then I found you

Life was good in your arms

Could see my world in your palms

My angel was close to me

My own personalized form of drug had calm for me

We weaved the dreams which could never come true

But you told me that the ship will sail through

I wish to be that star, who knows where you are

It has been long since you have gone

But your love inside me can't walk on

So many dreams I am starting to drown

Running away from the shadows leaves me frown

I shout to god to return my heyday

While walking the day to find the lost way

The sun battered with my dreams

And put me to the extremes

I cry again as I shatter to pieces

I wish I could go back and rewrite the misread

But I am gone...Oh I am gone

Yes I am gone...My lord I am gone

The Unsaid - II

i miss the games we played...i missed the frames we made
let me hold your hand again...let me walk the lane again
feel like the queen of my world...and make me live the dream world
let my words decept you...let the song incept you
cz you are all that i have got...but you are all that i have lost

if i could go back and live the days again...will die to live that September
if money could buy the time elapsed...will thrive to buy that September
still remember the sunshine walks...wanna kiss you when the moonlight spawns
the single umbrella that we shared...the endless promises that we made

now all the things which were clear...have changed into fear
not much of time has remained...all the feelings have been drained
the charm which flattered you...has been shattered in due...

the days are getting darker...the shades are getting lighter...
tears and lies have killed things...but..the ray of hope is still alive...and the love inside is not ready to die

The Unsaid

i cry alone when i see what we have done
i die when i see what we have become
i cry when i look back and see the sun
i die when i feel that the flame no longer burns

the worst has already past, but the innocence can never last
i heard you say it, you saw me doing it
i feel the shame, want to apologize…please don’t make me cry by turning a blind eye

i had my best times with you, why can’t i have the same
we wrote the best lines for us, why should we let it aflame
never craved for anyone, never prayed for anyone
my god, let the mercy flow, i will make the rest follow

stay inside the home, let me take control(burst)
something has been given (lust), but everything has been taken (trust)
look out of the window, what do you see?
isn’t my ashes flowing with the breeze…

i will lie to bring you back
will die to bring back the blue sky
cz i heard you say it, you saw me doing it
i feel the shame, want to apologize…please don’t make me cry by turning a blind eye